25 April 2023

All lined up on the wall, balancing precariously on nails. The epistemological value of difference—comparing distinctions, subjective accounts of an event, of life—thus, creating new knowledge.

Repeating an image, continuously painting it, establishing a context of difference. Each painting yields a unique picture, distinct from the others. Comparing them reveals what is different and what remains constant. The painting process involves multiple steps, a complex sequence of aesthetic and technical decisions, determinations—a nuanced process of shaping, taking an undetermined surface, and crafting borders, building frames. It describes an infinite aesthetic, pointing beyond the frame, with each repetition contributing to that continuum. Every brushstroke, placed after a lengthy process originating in my mind, influenced by intention and relinquishing some absolute control, allows chance or the will of the material or God to have an impact. Making 'errors' and assessing whether their accumulation discloses, reveals, or opens something new.

Becoming aware of myself as an object among others, comparing myself to fellow inhabitants in this shared reality, discerning differences and similarities.

As a repetition, I am akin to these paintings, making my contribution. My mind can filter the 'I am that am' and intuitively receive.

Through a process, I become conscious of determined concepts, repeating it to observe changes and constants, guided by you.

Sadness, blue water, blue turquoise, bubbling, boiling, ebullitions, bull, calf, golden, idolatry.

Applause, clapping, listening to the rain's applause as thunder speaks and lightning flashes.

Owls—I don't want to see an owl; I don't want to idolize. I just want to feel good for a while.

Liquorice Pizza: enjoyed this movie, loved the running in the film, embodying the experience of being young and in love—just running for long periods, searching. Oh, we run and we run and we run and we run and we run. Embodies, manifests, the being and experience of youth and love. A glimpse.

1 May 2023

They are starting to pull me to their level; I'm starting to notice the contrast of white on white. They looked a bit messy before, and all I could see were the mistakes, the 'errors.' Sometimes, an error is just an error. They are creating little spaces at the moment in which something interesting resides, though I don't know what—little areas of emotion. The colors seemed diluted before, but now I am seeing them—beautiful colors making spaces that make me want to go there. Blues and turquoise that are never quite the same, from low saturation at the top to high saturation at the bottom, as if the colors ran down and collected at the bottom. From childish to mature. The surface is too large to focus on everything at once; my eyes have to run across the surface, to the different spaces, and experience each space, slowly building up a universe of experience that points to an infinity. They are now starting to seem three-dimensional, creating three-dimensional spaces. These spaces look so nice, places I would like to settle down in for the night and sleep.

2 May 2023

I'm depressed; my thoughts are dark and self-involved. I cannot stop thinking about young arrogant narcissists that I have run into lately (not to be named here now) and how I feel hurt by them, how they have made me feel so small. I cannot think about you now because when I do, I want to fall asleep. Where are you in this artwork? What part of you is being manifested? That is what I am actually interested in. I do not want to think about myself now, but I keep coming back to myself. Can these pools mean something about you rather than me? I hate these paintings! Burn them. All I can see are watchers and owls!

8 May 2023

Describe, analyze, classify, judge. Muted blue—not bright, not that bright—sultry, broody, reflective, questioning. Subtle meaning not immediately apparent, gentle, complex, wet, rainy, overcast, mysterious, seductive waves, vibration, challenging, seemingly nothing, open, multivalent, consoling, anomalous red area, large red area, out of place, out of the ordinary, fascinating, maybe a bit boring. Water, underwater lake, slimy garden, leaves, flowers, boring, just swaying, not moving much, not doing much. Pleasant pockets of spaces, inviting, trails, impressions left by inhabitants, currents within the water, changing in flux, some random changes, something random in the changes, chance, no definitive goal, just being. Flashes of light, reactions, flashes of light reflecting off the leaves, giving the impression of activity, fire over the horizon, beyond the horizon, work being done beyond cognizance, conscious cognizance, point of view seems to change simultaneously, more than one situation, context, growth shock, fizz, growth, receding, dying, reviving, clearing, disclosing, greening, greening, trying different things. The worker beyond the horizon tries different things, casts different glowing spells, light shocks, bright shocks, light flashes, bright flashes. Then a coruscating flash, drawn out coruscating flash, resulting in a more determined configuration, less pale, more saturated with form and color, more beautiful. The growth and development of a beautiful mind, person, starting with a messy, murky, incomplete, unfinished mind, tending the garden, continuously resulting in a more beautiful, more determined, surer yet complex, not fixed. It is like looking at the cell configuration in the brain. It does not describe what the mind is thinking, one can only see the electric pulses forming pathways, multitudinous pathways, like lightning patterns, but the patterns don't say what is being thought or how thought is occurring. One can only see that the cells are plumper, more saturated with color, more alive. The thunder here has a deeper voice, it crackles less, rounded, more rounded, it fizzles less, more airy woody sound, drops seem to fall heavier, thudding more, rather than fizzing, a sense of large volumes of air in the sound, sound, sound, sound, fighter jet sound. Some things change, some things stay the same. Difficult to track progress as things continuously resolve and recede, but at the end, things look more beautiful overall.

15 May 2023

The flower bed can be said to celebrate the skies.

Repetition. Finding the painting in the last painting of a long series. Always the next one. Always eludes me. Please complete this painting. Please see the mimosas I see. Out of love for me.

Glimpse of something infinite, eternal. Giving the painting the power to go beyond the frame. An aesthetic composition that touches something infinite.

The imaginary realm is interesting because it is pre-concept, pre-idea, pre-categorization, pre-social categorization, pre-border, pre-frame—a new kind of language that goes beyond certain binaries, like male-female, white-black, creating decategorized spaces. Then watching, seeing, waiting, listening, touching, and tasting—the difference between sensory perceptions creates knowledge. Experiencing the Mona Lisa with sound instead of sight, experiencing Beethoven's Ode to Joy with sight instead of sound, Ave Maria, Spanish guitar, summer Italian summers, the music of heaven—can you hear it in this painting? Don't leave until you can. Experiencing God's love through touch, in the orgasm, the orgasm with sight, by painting, by narrative, storytelling as a sense, the arrangement of ideas in a linear sequence. Koyaanisqatsi is a linear narrative through sight and sound—film, feeling, touch, creating touch with sight and sound. A film, a feeling, a touch - creating touch with sight and sound.

The eyes wander, dart, from place to place, restless, seeking information to create a sight, a perceived sight. What does it need? When is it satisfied that it has created a picture—when it sees, perceives an image?

Will I one day look at a painting and be satisfied, never needing to look at another painting again, because the glimpse was eternal and lives on with such intensity that I will never thirst again, never touch thirst, but always touch satisfaction, love?

Why am I doing this? Do I want to see my painting above Andres' head on TV? Really, I keep going back to that. Why do I desire that? Why do I believe that I need that? Continue to learn until you actually understand, until you actually feel satisfied only with me. You are guaranteed success. Look for me and find me more and more. Repeat, repeat, until it becomes your nature, until your mind thinks it naturally and is able to ignore the thoughts that rise out of the pool that are not from me. When you experience my love, you do not touch thirst. Thirst only to love me and for me to love you. It is simple, simply thought, simply said, difficult to put on and keep on. Leave the chains behind you, and you will once again find yourself seeing serpents. You were touching me; you were making me very happy. Desire to get back there again, regardless of how you feel, of how confused, depressed, stressed. Be joyful in the challenge, joy-filled in the pain and the pleasure, and the illness. We are all sick and experience moments of love and health and vitality. It is your allotted time to live like this now.

Upwork? Why not? See what you can create through code, signs, commands, and machines that manifest me—the holy code, the balanced code, the beautiful code—and get paid. And see if you get paid, you will be a poor software developer just as you are now a poor painter. Any path, any action that pleases me will be hated by money. Trust me, don't question the mystery; tainted money will flow away from you anyway. You are in the position now where you will just have to trust me. Build the kingdom. 2024 will not be your breakthrough into financial independence, no matter how much the pastors and your mother want it to be so. Be satisfied in drawing close to me; it is the only way you will be able to get through now. You cannot turn back; there is no going back now. Your time of innocent ignorance is over; you have eaten too much knowledge to go back there. You will have to trust me to get through.

To others? It cannot happen without the mysterious working of my spirit in them. Learn not to hang on to someone's approval, understanding, touching. Lead them to the water; that's all—walk to the water, never stop until the day you die, until the day comes when I fetch you to me, when you no longer need anything but me. That is when I will fetch you; it will take much time yet. You are getting there, though, more than halfway there. Yes, that is why there is no turning back now. I have your path laid out; follow it. It is laid out from where I find you now. There is always going to be a way to me, and you will love me, and I will love you. You love me deeply; I know you are deeply into me. I will not let you go now; you are nearer to me. You have been attacked and somewhat successfully, but you are still coming closer to where I want you, where your position gives me pleasure, where is love in a three-dimensional space, where is love in time. You have experienced things that are outside of time and space, things that have no connection to time and space, that have no relevance to time and space. Your mind is capable of thought beyond time and space.

Pray? 2024, for a time, they will nurture the environment, they will nurture the population, there will be balance, there will be a move away from the priorities of comfort. There will be a move towards equitable distribution of wealth; no one will be left behind. All will live with opportunity; all will look to me and think of me and what is important to me. Artists will be honored, as they should, as special beings that hold the ability to see the mysteries of me, to experience my love. Never again will an artist be told to get a 'real' job. Come to me, so I can whisper your name into your ear and wipe away every tear.

14 June 2023

Large complex systems like the subconscious, working beyond the horizons of consciousness, feeding the conscious, retrieving information from storage, retrieving water, stream in, stream out, capacity, how large is the capacity, how many footprints, chains, can the subconscious hold, how does it store them, how does it organize them? I forget a name, but I can see the face, the person, in my mind's eye. A seemingly random name comes to mind, but I tell myself that is not the right name. I continue to think about this person, my interactions with him, which I seem to remember much better than his name. It takes approximately 30 seconds, maybe, and suddenly the name is there, in front of my mind. My consciousness floating above the surface of the water, and I judge it, saying to myself, 'This is the correct name; this is his name.' What complex processes occurred? Why am I able to visualize his face, his movements, the sound of his voice, his words—such high-density information—but I can't remember the low-density information item, his name?

His name wanders; little seems to tie his name to the other information I hold about him. His name slips my mind, that arbitrary piece of information that does not have the complex links my mind requires for easy association and retrieval. It seems to have heuristically tried to trace random paths, looking for the item along unsure paths, unable to know how long the search will take, how much time will be required, what paths need to be followed, retraced, reactivated. The path has grown dim, overgrown, weak, dormant, but with some patience, I am able to find the item I'm looking for. And I know somehow that I have found the correct piece of information; I somehow know that this is his name.

What other dormant pathways string chains of pearls, chains of seaweed, lie weak and dormant, and what pearls do they have access to? How hard must I work? Are there any pearls to find? The traces of my memory leading back to Adam, God, and the serpent?