21 May 2024

27 May 2024

Someone told me it was swine flu. It changed my aesthetic completely. I was not able to enjoy anything. For three weeks I experienced what it was like to have an aesthetic that was not able to enjoy anything. My aesthetic is something to be grateful for, not to be taken for granted, and to realise how fragile it is, how easily it can be taken away. I was begging you to let me die. Trying to think about viruses and why they exist. What function or purpose. What it was like to be a virus. Why a viral infection in my lungs caused my whole being to change. And now that I am feeling more 'myself' (whatever that may be), how much more I appreciate it. How I am able to create new knowledge for myself by comparing then and now. What it is like to not be an artist. Becoming an error. Forsaken. Abandoned. Alienated. Separated from you. I don't know if I can do that again. I just want to quietly go about your business. You have given me everything I need to walk the the path you have for me to walk. I admit I kind of enjoy annoying non-believers. But when I hurt someone I hurt you, and that hurts me. Accumulating sin until it manifests as illness.